Just when I thought I had control…


  • My IVF comrades
  • Everyone


I was punched in the gut and reminded I have none. I realize I can’t control this whole thing  (being pregnant) BUT I thought I figured out how to manage my schedule. But here I am, anxiety ridden and waiting for test results yet again.

I was supposed to get my ERA test results last Wednesday. This is a key detail because I am once again on my meds gearing up for a transfer (slated for next week). While with the doctor, not 5 minutes after my ERA test I asked if I was going to start my meds when I got my period. He told me I wouldn’t start meds because he didn’t want to get me going and then not get results in time.

Five days after my test I got my period and got a call saying it was time to get things going. I thought it was a mistake, I was told explicitly that they were going to wait. After a number of emails and calls I was told it was not a mistake, I should start taking my meds because we would have the results.

Fast forward to today and we do not have results and time is literally ticking. I was told things may work out, I may have to cancel  my cycle, or push back my transfer. The last two options are unacceptable and incredibly upsetting. I naively planned a trip for next weekend to help me “relax” after the transfer but that seems to hang in suspension.

I am tired and beat down by this process. I wish I could say, “Yes XXX I will be there with the utmost certainty.”  Just when I think I have made gains I take a few steps back.

I know the women who are reading this know what this feels like. I am here with you, once again waiting and wishing this was over.




4 thoughts on “Just when I thought I had control…

  1. That is so frustrating. I really think the waiting and uncertainty are the two worst parts of this process! My fingers are crossed you get those results in time and can enjoy the relaxing trip you have planned!


  2. Hi there,
    I am sincerely hoping everything works out for you. I started reading your blog not so long ago, and I have been sending the best of energies and hopes since then. My ivf journey starts next week. I feel anxious and without a firm a ground to step on.

    It is horrible not to have control over your body. It’s a terrible feeling handing such a big dream to others to solve and order, and plan, using a science that know so little about our individual bodies and responses.
    It is so hard to have to deal with all the miscommunication problems, misunderstandings, and changes of plans all the time. I think that our only and best resting pillow is knowing we are doing the best we can.


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